Most of my life, I have been seen (from the outside looking in) as a vibrant, spunky little ball of happiness and positive attitude toward life. Always encouraging others to be positive and saying that it’s a beautiful day to be alive. I do mean those words when I say them. I’m even a walking comedy act at times. I absolutely love life and all that it offers us. I love people, art, music, culture, nature and making other peoples lives just a little better even if it’s just for one day. This is who I truly am.
There are two sides of every story and at least two for every personality that exists. The flip side of me is totally opposite of what people perceive that I am. Externally, I very seldom let any picture show that I am not together. Internally is another story. I have learned to contain myself and work things out but I have some mental health issues that are very prominent and can affect my daily life. Finding balance has been a hard road and it will continue to be so if I don’t take care of myself. Part of that is to allow others who genuinely care, be part of my support system. Every day I am seeing more of the beautiful person that I truly am thanks to those who love me even on the days I am hard to love.
One thing that has been hard for me to grip is the idea that two things which are totally opposite can coexist in the same space. This has been one of the hardest things for me to learn about myself. I have a thousand times over, said I wanted the other person I am inside back. The thing is, she never left. She’s still there and has taught herself ways to mask things and protect herself internally. The person who is bubbly and fun is all me and it shows. Externally I manage to deny and avoid the fact that the other stuff is coexisting I just can’t see it. In my eyes I saw two different people. That isn’t the case at all and I have finally learned that.
The message in this rambling is if you’re struggling, try to allow your self to coexist in your own skin. You can find balance with some work. Keep trying even on the ugliest of days. Never give up. You are worth it.
If you are the support to someone who battles with these issues, have patience. Love unconditionally. Understand that what you see on the outside can indeed coexist with a major problem inside and you may never know it. One thing that really gets to me is the comment when someone dies by suicide is, “They were so happy. I don’t understand.” The odds are they didn’t either. Things can get chaotic and crazy in our minds and some of us don’t know how to process and handle it.
Happiness and major depression or other mental health issues can and do exist in the same space. Try to remember the things that you aren’t hearing. You could save a life.
More Love. Less Hate. H