Thursday, January 10, 2019
The new chapter is off to an ugly start.Yeah I am struggling everyday to maintain. Today I met part of my new team of doctors and m h. team. That was not only frustrating as hell but it was like a cold meat processing plant. Ship them in and shove them out as fast as humanly possible. After 3 hours, I was set off like hell taking about all of the trauma issues only to be told that the psychiatrist was leaving in July. I will have to change again so maybe I shouldn’t disclose personal things. WTF?! Really? After 2 hours of answering every personal question possible? Oh, by the way, you’ll have to redo everything we did this morning. Yeah, I should probably get a different psychiatrist. I really think I would be better off doing this alone. For God sake, I have not ever hurt anyone but myself. Obviously that has worked out so well, after all, I am still here.
Friday January 11, I got up trying to be positive about things. Instead of bailing, I got ready and went to group. That was going along fine for a while until we talked about something that started my life onto the path that has lead me here. I was set off so bad that when I left, I needed something to calm down. I could barely drive home and I had dug a whole in my hand. Great way to start..self harming and all. Ugh.
Instead of dwelling on my misery today, I am going to focus on a some of things that have been very ironic and ended up being the best things to ever happen to me. The positives.
My first husband and I seriously thought about adoption for a couple of years before we decided to actually do it. During the waiting time, paperwork and classes, I began having a dream that repeated itself multiple times s week. In this dream, I was in a very large crowd with my husband and I was looking for someone. I always found her in the end but never met or communicated with. She was always a few steps ahead of me and I would lose her. It was ironic that I knew exactly who she was yet, I didn’t know why. She was a beautiful blonde young lady. She and I looked very similar. So similar in fact, we could have been sisters.
3 days after our paperwork being approved, I got a call from an agency asking if we wanted to be parents on Monday. This was Friday at 3:00 p.m. My first response was don’t mess with me like that and I hung up. The worker called me back and said this wasn’t a joke. There was a baby boy whose potential adoptive parents had backed out 4 weeks before he was born. The mother was unsure of what to do. Keep him? Place for adoption? She was torn inside.
On Thursday, the day before they called us, our file was open on the workers desk when this young lady walked in. Simply seeing our pictures, she inquired about us and asked if she could go home and read our file. Friday afternoon she called the agency and said they are the ones. I know it without a doubt.
During the call Friday afternoon I was informed that we needed to decide by 5 p.m. I was given some information that there were potential extreme health issues and asked if that mattered. My response was “ It’s not about how long we have him. It’s about having two parents that love him and having a good life while he’s here.” I called my mom in shock and asked if this was emergency enough to call my husband at work. 🙂 When I made that call to my husband, ironically, he said of course! Then said the very words I had spoken to the worker. It was definitely meant to be. We had an appointment the next day to meet the mother. When she opened the door, I almost fainted. She was the woman from my dream. She and I could have been sisters. She invited us in and immediately stated that she had only one question. She asked what we would do if he was indeed sick. My husband and I at the same time spoke the words “It’s not about how long we have him. It’s about him having two parents who love him and having a good life while he’s here.” She burst into tears and said “I knew you were the ones.”
Ultimately, on Monday, we had a beautiful, healthy baby boy. It was October 16, 2000. Not only did we bring him into our lives, but we added another member to our family. His biological mother. She was truly a beautiful woman who was giving me the one thing I could not have myself.
Four years later 2004, we where at the point of thinking it was about time to adopt a brother or sister for our son. He desperately wanted sibling. So, we put our papers in again. Right after doing so, in July, my Aunt passed away. We were at her funeral. I walked into the restroom where a beautiful little girl was being treated badly by her very pregnant mother. My initial thought was “Great, she’s having another one.” It hurt my heart. I thought to myself, that poor baby, she looks like she was only about 2. As I walked out of the restroom, I told my husband that some people just should not be parents. I would love to have that little girl and would never mistreat her. Little did I know, that baby would become my daughter not even a year later. That beautiful 3 year old girl and her three siblings ages 4, 1, and 5 months, were placed with us on February 20th, 2005 (the oldest boys 4th birthday,)through foster care. We adopted them in 2005.
The same month, those babies were placed with us,our second birth mother chose us. Unlike our first biological mother, she didn’t want to meet us until he was born. The only thing she wanted us to know was he was part Hispanic and thought he would be a fit with our oldest who is also part Hispanic. He was due April 13. I immediately called our foster care worker and told her we were expecting another son and that we were willing to keep the kids until he was born but I wasn’t sure if I could handle six babies under the age of four. They began looking for a family just in case.
In the meantime, on the day our second son was born, the biological mother at the last minute wanted me to there when he was born. I was an hour and a half away. She was expected to deliver in less than an hour. I hauled butt to the hospital hoping I would get there in time. I did. In fact, 10 minutes after arriving, they informed me that he went to sleep. It could be a while. I thought to myself ” that little shit!” Two hours later, he came into the world. They took me in as he made his entrance. He was perfect and beautiful. I was expecting a Hispanic / White baby. This baby had African American features. The ironic thing about this? I had always wanted a “brown baby.” I was so very happily surprised. I made the mistake of letting the question “is he part black?” roll off of my tongue. The biological mother freaked out asking me.if that was an F****** problem. I responded “No! You don’t understand. Through the tears I said “He’s even more perfect than I thought. I have always dreamed of having a brown son.” His biological mother was nothing like first. We have had no contact with her. She stated she wanted nothing thing to do with him. My heart hurt. I was hoping we would add her to the family as well. Just like mother #1 but that wasn’t her plan.
We went home. I had 6 kids under the age of four. Five who couldn’t talk, go to the bathroom. Four were literally like little animals. They had their own language and systems. With a new baby it was a hard adjustment but I kept working on it. About a month after bringing baby home, social services called. They had found families for the sibling group. I asked why they were splitting them up. I was told that nobody wanted four kids that close together. Without even thinking, I spit out “Hell no! No matter how bad I ever screwed up, I would never want my kids separated! Those babies aren’t going anywhere. I am keeping them. We’ve got this. End of story.”
In 2005, we adopted baby boy first. A few months later, in early 2006, we adopted the other four. Our lives were truly full of love, life, happiness, adventure and we had a family. The one thing we couldn’t do ourselves. These children have given me more than I could ever give them. There’s no question that each of them are were they belong. They have been through a lot in their young lives and I applaud their strength and resiliency. They are the reason I fight. They have been the biggest blessings and most positive event in my life.
I see them and wonder how I can lose hope. I fought for them. I asked for them. I could never abandon them. They are indeed my world and the loves of my life. ❤️ All of my dreams come true.
Nothing but positive there. They are the reason I will be ok.
More Love. Less Hate. H