The Value of My Pain
We are born into this world with a whole wonderous life ahead of us, no idea of what is really in store for us. I’m sure I wasn’t born planning on my life being as messed up as it has been. Some would argue that, but I am sticking to my opinion on this one. No way would this girl go down this path willingly. At the end of the day, I know that I have had to fight my whole life for some important things. What about the rest?
The question at hand is what exactly is the value of my pain? I have suffered much trauma and I have mucked through it every time. Keeping my eye on the goal. Telling myself that there’s a reason for everything. I have reasoned every way possible yet at the end of the day, I am the one who has to pay the Piper. I pay in emotional tolls and in mental health fees. I’m beyond my own worst enemy. I am not sure when this ride stops for me but I am getting really tired of driving this endless highway to hell, the ride never stopping.
I’m responsible for my own happiness and I know all of the answers yet I never change lanes or find any exits. I blindly stare straight ahead staying on the same path never wavering from my position. I have been on a path of self destruction my whole life, one shouldn’t live like this but I have continued and battled to do so. People around me say things like you’re such a warrior, such a strong person… maybe that’s because I have had no choice. Internally, I lost the battle long ago so, tell me again what the value of my pain is worth.
I’m not sorry for anything as it’s made who I am but I am tired. Worn out and ready for a few good years in my life. I’m sick of hearing that my higher power only gives the hardest trials to his strongest warriors. PFFT. It’s called fight or flight. I have tried breaking free from that cycle for years. The end result? I’m still fighting.
Until I figure this journey out, I will continue to forge on keeping that end goal in site. Don’t think for a minute though that I will not continue to ask how much this is worth because the value of my pain is totally invaluable at every level.
More Love. Less hate. H