Woke up this morning to a flock of birds over the house, the sun shining and that feeling of being trapped in the damn basement. I hate these days. “Red Flag” days. Nothing has happened or changed but there’s nothing right either. I’m at the end of my rope. I know, the logical side of me knows I shouldn’t feel like this but unfortunately logic can kiss my ass today.
I’m swimming in a fucking hole so deep I can’t get any air. The darkness, an all too familiar place just like the basement. Different from the basement, the weight tied around my neck this morning is pulling me straight to the bottom. I am good with that but the alive, fighting part of me just won’t fucking give up. WHAT THE FUCK?! Why do I have to go through this? Why can’t I just quit?!
Today all my usual positive shit doesn’t mean a damn thing. I could say it over and over it doesn’t change the feeling. Nothing can take that feeling away. Do you have any clue what it’s like to live like this? It’s a permanent prison. Some days you take yourself to that positive place and it’s all good. The days like today are the days of being shackled. Treated like a wild animal about to rip someone’s throat out. You know what? Those shackles make you want to tear things up. Not only is it dark in here but there’s a hell of alot of anger. There’s a battle brewing today. I dare someone to mess with me today because I will rip you to shreds with my tongue and if you put your hands on me, I guarantee I will walk away while you lay there bleeding. Sounds like a great way to live doesn’t it? It’s fucking amazing. No words can describe it.
The problem with me is, if I am crying you know I am really pissed off and done fighting. I don’t like to cry because I feel it’sa sign of weakness today anyway. I won’t cry because it’s also a sign of feeling and feeling my reality is one hell of a bitch today. I carry a whole bunch of anger inside of me and I choose anger over crying like a little sissy today. I want to punch things, break things kick the shit out of someone….. it’s burning and eating at me but I can’t do it. The stupid logical, empathetic, people loving person has feelings.
I hurt so bad inside. Part of me just wants someone to hold on to me and tell me I’m not fucked up. That I am worth something. That I am important enough to care about. So there you go. My reality. The battle I fight inside every damn day. Sounds like a great ride doesn’t it?
More love. Less hate. H