Sometimes life hands us things that make us question our own ability concerning what we can or can’t handle. We are stronger than we know and usually don’t give ourselves enough credit.
Myself, I have spent a lifetime battling against the odds, and have always come out on the top. I don’t know how. Physically there is no rhyme or reason that I am still here, but I believe that my unwillingness to give in has played an enormous role in all that I have faced.
I have almost died trying to have children. I have been left for dead, unidentifiable. I deal with PTSD, depression, multiple suicide attempts etc. I have had cancer not once but twice. 7 years ago, I was given a year to live. Yet here I am. Along with being a kick-ass survivor for me comes guilt. Yep guilt.
Guilty of still being here when I have watched so many people, good people just taken from this life. When it comes to people I care about the guilt is even heavier. I don’t understand why they didn’t get to stay. I mean seriously, most of them are much better people than I could ever be. One friend imparticular has lung cancer. She was diagnosed after me. I walked away for the time being but, have watched her suffer so much. She waited for a transplant. A Transplant became available but now she’s too sick, weak and underweight to have it. The surgery, that would extend her life 5 years, is no longer a possibility. It would kill her. How the hell is that fair? Sometimes, I can imagine the hate she could carry against me, yet she doesn’t. She’s an amazing, beautiful woman with one of the most caring souls on the planet. She is one hell of fighter and she always smiles and laughs like she owns the moment. What an amazing spirit.
Not a day goes by ( even on the days I don’t like life) that I don’t understand how lucky I am to be here. I am truly grateful to my higher power. I may not understand it, but obviously have a purpose in this life. What it is, is unbeknownst to me and I question the reason often. Having mental health issues, there are many lows among the good things in my life. When I bottom out, questioning my very being sometimes comes up right away. I am not always aware that I have gone there until I see a certain sign or recognize that something has triggered me. However, it’s there. I wonder why I am still here. How much can I handle before I break? Such an imperfect person in such a beautiful amazing world. What role could I play of any importance? There is no right or wrong answer to the question.
My answer lies in my belief that our minds are amazing tools that can do many things if we allow it to. I also trust and believe in my higher power. My Creator. He knows all that I need. All that I must go through to become whole. I believe in faith, hope and love and the healing powers those emotions carry. I get frustrated, stuck. I don’t understand but I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we are indeed stronger in our minds than we know. Positive thinking and attitudes can help make physical changes. So before I give up, I am stepping back and going to breathe and day by day, get through the craziness remembering that I have made it this far and am perfectly imperfect just the way I am supposed to be and will continue doing exactly what is in the cards for me.
Stop questioning yourself, your strength, your beauty and importance. Believe in this beautiful chaotic world and our crazy lives. Believe in your inner strength. Believe in yourself.
You are important and loved. You’ve got this. You are never alone. ❤️
More love. Less hate. H