There’s an age old phrase that says “Choose your battles wisely” what happens when you are thrown into battles you don’t ask for? You turn into me.
An empty body living on hope that tomorrow is different. Waiting for that magic moment to happen, the day that someone recognizes the war you have fought inside just to survive in this shitty world. The day someone sees you for all that you are and loves you unconditionally. The day someone tells you that aren’t broken and you are their everything. For me, it will never happen. I have finally accepted the fact that no matter how hard I fight, no matter how many battles I lose saving someone else – sacrificing my very own being, I will never find my own way out.
There’s a war raging inside of me. The kind only some will ever understand. I have spent a lifetime trying to not be the victim. Shoving all that has been handed to me at the hands of others so far deep inside, that I thought it would be burried with me. That idea has finally come to a head. I concede. I give in. However, I won’t give up.
After my breakdown, the real fight began. I have been forced to face the demons inside of me just to live life every day. We talk about taking things for granted. Have you ever once just for a second thought about being grateful for a mind that can be “normal?” I fight that everyday. Saying the positive affirmations outloud trying to convince myself inside that life is beautiful and amazing and that hope is always possible…The whole time living in the darkest of places full of nothing but hurt disappointment and anger that I can’t resolve. I didn’t ask for this.
I’m responsible for the choices I have made in my life. I’m responsible for being human. I am not responsible for what other people have done to me that keeps me at bay every fucking day I continue to breathe. I am battling the urge to pick up that fucking bottle and drink myself away. I am battling the urge to pick up a fucking knife and tear into myself all of the ugly I fucking feel inside. I am battling just to survive.
So be grateful for your own shitty life because you will never know what it’s like living in a space that you can never get out of. Another dose of fucking reality.
More love. Less hate. H