Everytime I think things are calmed down and in order, life throws a high fast pitch that blows me away. The past few days have been chaotic as hell. Just a couple of months ago, I thought we were may be on the way to some form of normalcy. That was wishful thinking. “What is normal?”
For my family “normal” is a constant chaos at every level. I can handle some of it to some degree, but even our business life has turned into being a personal mound of unnecessary bullshit. There’s no room to breathe.
I am a big preacher of my belief in Karma and finding the positive in every negative. I’m a big talker of life is a beautiful thing…The truth is there’s a whole bunch of everything opposite I believe in, going on in my life. I’m about to sound like a total hypocrite,but I’m also a big believer in keeping it real and this is as real as it can get.
A couple of weeks ago, my biggest battle was what to have for dinner. A week and a half ago, my big battle was getting paperwork together for something that has been repeatedly done.Irritating, but not life ending. One week ago, my big battle was all my internal bullshit I constantly battle mixed with a series of little things that became larger problems than necessary. Three days ago, life started spiraling out of control at speeds a normal person can’t imagine.
My temporary ” normal” was short lived. The 5 year business battle is once again going full force, no hulls barred nothing is excluded, everything is open season, a walking target…Even the kids are at risk. I triggered so bad the other day, I thought I was going to die. I physically couldn’t even move. Living with anxiety, depression and PTSD are already an adventure all of their own without adding any extra stress. Throw in a child who is an addict and can’t stay clean or out of jail, an ex husband who is a narcissistic psycho that is playing every card to keep me under his thumb along with the eight children I have and you get a crazy mess.
I am a good person. I am the best person I know how to be, yet it’s just never enough for the world I live in. I have been making changes to better things, but I always seem to be the one who gets the joker in the deck.
Today I asked this question:
“Does it look like I have a sign on my forehead saying go head and f*** me over? Seriously?!” One of my friends responded : ” if you feel like you are wearing that sign, then I would say you probably are. If you want something different, change the sign.” That was my reality check for today. You know what? He was right.
I put alot of thought into the matter and it was oh so true. I need to send out the signal that I want to receive, not a signal saying go head and screw me over. I tried to change the pattern for today. It was too far gone. Tomorrow however, is a new day. The kind of day I will grasp and lead it by the horns. I need to quit letting other things, events and people dictate my happiness. I’m the one losing out. Not them.
Beginning tomorrow, I will regain control of things at all cost and I will continue being the one who calls the shots in my life. Time to put on my superhero attitude and kick some ass. ❤️